death in the afternoon

well, i had quite an adventure today. since my mood has been somewhat down due to circumstances beyond my control, i have turned to a moderate amount of liquid spirits to bolster up my, well, spirit.

my roommate and i drove to the st. george distillery in alameda, ca to sample their absinthe. it was a nice sunny day (blahblahblah) perfect for a little misadventure. the distillery is situated in an abandoned naval base, which is pretty cool. you have to navigate through several areas of boarded up barracks in order to reach hangar one- the distillery site.

the absinthe was ok, i guess. i'm still pretty new at absinthe snobbery. it was strong, aromatic and left your tongue on fire. it also left behind a nice, mellow buzz. the feeling of mellow calm persists long after the buzz subsides. (calm is good. i need calm right now.) we wound up buying a bottle of the absinthe and a bottle of their black tea liqueur (which is amazing all on its own).

after leaving the distillery, we had time for a leisurely drive around the residential part of alameda. and we stopped to drive around treasure island on the way across the bay bridge. sadly, treasure island was not nearly as cool as it sounded. it is home to another boarded-up naval base and some apartment housing. still, there were some simply gorgeous views of the san francisco skyline and the bay. too bad we left the camera at the house!

a quick stop at the local asian market, then to home. i'm pretty worn out- and happily fuzzy. i even tried out a new mixed drink, which brings me to the title of this post:

death in the afternoon:

4 oz. champagne
1.5 oz. absinthe

pour absinthe into a champagne glass and add iced champagne until it clouds up, at least 4 oz.
kick back and enjoy!

30

i have a confession to make.

i turn 30 in september. for the last year or two i was honestly looking forward to 30. i figured "hey, my 20's sucked ass. therefore, my 30's are totally going to rock." well, now that i'm looking father time in the face my upbeat attitude has dissipated. i'm getting really sappy and fatalistic about it.

i mean, 30. geez, it sounds so serious and heavy. like i should feel like an adult and be concerned about settling down. and once you hit 30, that's only 20 years away from 50! :shock: i don't think i want to get too far into my 60's. it's all downhill from there.

i'm not *really* like that. not THAT fatalistic. and i cognitively know that 30 isn't old. hell, 50 really isn't that old either. and age is simply a number. so why am i starting to freak out about it? the world isn't going to end. i'm not going to suddenly get wrinkled and grey. i'm not ready for the retirement home. so what's the big effen deal!? is this normal, these feelings i'm having? or am i seriously effed in the head.

i got on this tangent w/my pdoc earlier yesterday. she thinks i've got some issues to face. she's probably right. she's a really insightful lady. i hope i'm that helpful when i get my degree.

maybe i'm not ready to "GROW UP." maybe i feel like i missed out on the best years of my life and now i'm suddenly approaching middle age. i just need to figure out the issue. why am i suddenly trying to block the inevitable?

my 30's are going to rock. i am going to MAKE them rock.

but weird things are happening. things i swore would never happen. i bought a new vacuum cleaner for the apt. and am thrilled w/the new steam cleaner for the carpet. i bought a freaking crockpot and COOKED last week. didn't order out. didn't eat frozen food. i even neatly labeled my nice new plastic containers with the name of the dish and the date it was cooked before placing them in a little stack in the freezer. the freezer is no longer the place where we keep our booze cold. it's for storing food. weird, huh? i also... bought an old lady magazine. i used to think my mom was totally weird in her sterile, controlled little housewife world. her only splurges were on things like woman's day and good housekeeping. i bought the one that's like a modern update on the aforementioned jourals- real simple. this month's issue is all about organization. wow. and the really super-strange thing... i enjoyed the magazine. i've got notes written in and at least ten pages dog-eared to come back to. and i think i've pulled out some articles to keep for future reference, should i need them.

i'm sorry for the rant/ramble but... (super-serious overly dramatic tone here) what on earth is happening to me???

what shade of lipstick should you wear?

You Should Wear Black Lipstick

Confident, dramatic, and unexpected. Your look: Gothic beauty Your signature lip gloss flavor: Ginger

What Shade of Lipstick Should You Wear?

silly quiz time

You Are Designer Panties

You demand the best, from head to toe. And your panties have to be pure couture, for your own luxury. Men feel like you're a worthy challenge, though you can be difficult to catch. You exude a polished, sexy vibe that tends to attract confident men.

What Kind of Panties Are You?

Shh... Big Secret

I've come to the conclusion that I have a bit of a secret. I'm still a romantic at heart. *Gasp!* I suppose you could call me a cynical romantic. Despite my world-weary delusions that there is no such thing as true love out there, at least not for me... there persists a deep inner voice that whispers true love is possible... and yours will find you.

Just take a look at my ipod and you'll figure it out. I've got my old standards- Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Lollipop Lust Kill, Rammstein, Type O Negative... you get the drift. Then there's a nice mix of the Cruxshadows (who for a gothic band have managed to mantain a certain amount of romanticism in their body of work) and even some things from (ok, now I'm totally blushing) the Moulin Rouge soundtrack.

Somedays, I really don't understand myself. (Maybe that's the reason for my biweekly psychiatrist visits.) I'm in the process of figuring myself out. And I'm learning that I'm much deeper and more complex than the dark, materialistic cynic I put on for the world to see. I'm really no closer to learning who I am, but I'm at least figuring out who I am not. Bizarre.

Unable To End It

It's been an emotional ride. This month hold special significance because the last grandparent on my mom's side of the family died at the end of March 2007. I'm taking it harder than I thought I would. I really miss him. I don't know if it's the lithium and vodka talking or some sort of unmitigated grief, but I wound up on the beach tonight. I was wailing like a banshee and watching the tide come in. It was such a beautiful moment, being so close to the pulse of creation. I really wanted to run into the waves and merge myself with the ocean. (Yes, I realize what a poor decision this was in retrospect, what with me being a poor swimmer and there being a strong riptide on Pacifica beach.) I ran about halfway from the dry beach to where the tide was rolling in only to have my feet in searing, burning pain on the jagged remnants of shellfish left exposed in the sand. So I promptly ran back to where I left my shoes and cellphone, then decided to call it a night. I'm such a fucking lameass.

Dear Angel,

Where are your warming wings tonight?
It's so cold outside won't you hold me for a while?

And Angel,
I feel alone and unalive
The night is frozen and these tears have stung my eyes

Dreams may pass and dreams may fade
Nothing I love will stay the same
Nothing ever stays the same
-the crusxhadows/the dying song

Confusion Reigns Supreme

I'm so confused. I have been taking steps to move my life forward and create a beautiful, loving positive future. So I'm kind of hung up on a couple of men from my past. I have always held a certain fondness in my heart for these two men because they were the only guys that have ever loved me for "me" and treated me with a loving respect that I have never before experienced. One of these men I had a relationship with, the other was more like a sweet romantic fling.

Anyway, we parted ways some time ago. Recently, both of them have come back into my life. I don't know to what degree these relationships shall be renewed. I don't know how far I want things to go... or if they even have a snowball's chance in hell of going anywhere. I love them both and I never did let go of that. I think I can be friends with them both now, in the present but it's going to be damned hard to sort out all of these conflicting feelings.

Scream of the Butterfly Lyrics

Acid Bath/Scream of the Butterfly

A creature made of sunshine
Her eyes were like the sky
Rabbit howls like something old as we twitch to her lullaby
The scalpel shines in god's sunshine
Street lights whisper pain
Down here near the poison stream our god has gone insane

She smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
With blood on her hands into the sun she stares
She feels it die, I heard her cry (verse x2)

Like the scream of the butterfly

Sunshine a house in flames
She likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
Surgery in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I will resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares cause the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

There's blood on the moon and the summer is cold
There's love in the room but baby that's gettin' old
There's blood on my face sittin' on a dead shore
A highway of emptiness and I'm gettin' bored

There's blood on the moon as we plan our escape
The goddess in bloom, handcuffed and raped
There's blood in the bathtub, baby, murder the king
There's blood on the moon
There's blood on just about everything

Sunshine a house in flames
She likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
Surgery in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I will resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares? 'Cause the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

Something cold is forced inside her
A tear spills down her cheek
Stillborn songs of a dead dreamer
Hymns of the needle freak
With sunlight in her hair she smiles like she don't care
Her dreams are liquid blue
I cut myself again and again to remind myself of you

She smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
With blood on her hands into the sun she stares
She feels it die, I heard her cry (verse x2)

Like the scream of the butterfly (x2)

I met an angel with a sawed-off shotgun
Wanted by the FBI
We dropped some acid, killed our parents
Then we hit the road
Like the scream of the butterfly (x4)

theme songs

i've been playing with my craptacular mini-ipod since yesterday. i have been enjoying listening to my music so far. 2 songs are really sticking with me, especially because of all of the emotional crap i have been processing.

1. marilyn manson- long hard road out of hell

I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this...

2. the cruxshadows- helen

The sounds of yesterday still echo in my head
Distant conflicts unresolved
We were young once, and in love
Nothing was more real...more real to me

Fools for lovers, children are in petty circumstance
Like razors seen more clearly now
Watching from the outside looking down
I feel so helpless

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands
I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left but me

*sadness whispers her condolences
For the greatest tragedy of all is love lost
But the greatest virtue belongs to those who will give everything to love again
It is a test*

I don't think its fair to blame each other
For the happiness we sought but didn't find
Gibron's words i heard in angel's sighs
Too young to understand
But I pause as we grow between the lines
And if the walls of our communion fall to nothingness
How wrong the dreamers would be

But I won't accept it, I won't give up
World be damned, for love is hard
And this time...
This time...
I'm not running away

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands
I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands
I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left but me

*There is always hope, and the strongest and the bravest will always keep it close to them
For if you surrender hope, than love was right to leave you*

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands
I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands

I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left but me

exorcising the past

i've been kind of moody tonight. just pondering on some things that were said @the pdoc's earlier. i think my past is holding me back from living the full, beautiful ever after that i want for myself. yeah, i'm strong. yeah, i've survived a lot of shit. but at what cost? my life has been touched with evil that most people only see on their television screens. i made it through that, but it left a deep, festering abscess that i'm not sure how to treat. i've learned how to stuff everything deep down inside in order to function, in order to survive. i will lie, cheat and steal to survive. whatever it takes. fortunately, i haven't been forced to go to those extreme lengths, but the knowledge alone frightens me. i feel dark, tainted. everything has been downhill since i had to start surviving on my own. there is just so much shit weighing my soul down. i wish i could make it go away. you know, having a dark, mysterious past isn't all it's cracked up to be. damaged. i feel damaged. and i don't know how to fix it. i'm sorry. i know this post makes very little rational sense. i just had to get it out somewhere before i went catatonic. this therapy stuff is hard. the meds make the chemical imbalances go away but then you're left clear-headed to deal with your life.

contemplations and random musings

I am sitting in my ill-lit room, trying to find that elusive *something* to do. Anything, anything at all to relieve the soul-numbing sense of ennui that has plagued me of late. Surf the net, listen to the crap that spews from the television box, make multiple purchases on internet sites for things I really don't need. (Well, they *are* things that I want, but that is a topic for an entirely different post.)

Then it hit me; why am I using things to numb my mind? What is it that lies buried inside that I don't want to consciously deal with at the moment. (I've been through a lot, and have been through a lot of therapy but I've still got whole heaps of issues.) I sit and I think but I cannot quite figure out what that particular "something" is.

I think that, on some level, I still feel empty. There is a void that I haven't managed to self-nurture out of existence. I don't think that I know my true self. I have a feeling that (to use an overused phrase) I need to "find myself." I want more than to go through the motions of life. I want more than to simply exist. I want joy, I want to be that woman who exudes a radiant sense of inner acceptance and true fulfillment. Problem is, I don't know how to find her. How do I get from point A to point B?

Someone recently brought up the fact that people often let their fears and anxieties or their current situations prevent them from just getting up and DOING SOMETHING. I've let my weight and medical problems cripple me to the extent that I almost feel defined by them. I reason "Well, I can do "xy and z" after my surgery. "I'll take some continuing education courses when I'm feeling better." Obviously, this approach isn't working for me.

So the questions are- "what do I want?" and "Where do I go from here?" Dunno. But I am going to turn down the distractions so that I can begin to figure it out.