30

i have a confession to make.

i turn 30 in september. for the last year or two i was honestly looking forward to 30. i figured "hey, my 20's sucked ass. therefore, my 30's are totally going to rock." well, now that i'm looking father time in the face my upbeat attitude has dissipated. i'm getting really sappy and fatalistic about it.

i mean, 30. geez, it sounds so serious and heavy. like i should feel like an adult and be concerned about settling down. and once you hit 30, that's only 20 years away from 50! :shock: i don't think i want to get too far into my 60's. it's all downhill from there.

i'm not *really* like that. not THAT fatalistic. and i cognitively know that 30 isn't old. hell, 50 really isn't that old either. and age is simply a number. so why am i starting to freak out about it? the world isn't going to end. i'm not going to suddenly get wrinkled and grey. i'm not ready for the retirement home. so what's the big effen deal!? is this normal, these feelings i'm having? or am i seriously effed in the head.

i got on this tangent w/my pdoc earlier yesterday. she thinks i've got some issues to face. she's probably right. she's a really insightful lady. i hope i'm that helpful when i get my degree.

maybe i'm not ready to "GROW UP." maybe i feel like i missed out on the best years of my life and now i'm suddenly approaching middle age. i just need to figure out the issue. why am i suddenly trying to block the inevitable?

my 30's are going to rock. i am going to MAKE them rock.

but weird things are happening. things i swore would never happen. i bought a new vacuum cleaner for the apt. and am thrilled w/the new steam cleaner for the carpet. i bought a freaking crockpot and COOKED last week. didn't order out. didn't eat frozen food. i even neatly labeled my nice new plastic containers with the name of the dish and the date it was cooked before placing them in a little stack in the freezer. the freezer is no longer the place where we keep our booze cold. it's for storing food. weird, huh? i also... bought an old lady magazine. i used to think my mom was totally weird in her sterile, controlled little housewife world. her only splurges were on things like woman's day and good housekeeping. i bought the one that's like a modern update on the aforementioned jourals- real simple. this month's issue is all about organization. wow. and the really super-strange thing... i enjoyed the magazine. i've got notes written in and at least ten pages dog-eared to come back to. and i think i've pulled out some articles to keep for future reference, should i need them.

i'm sorry for the rant/ramble but... (super-serious overly dramatic tone here) what on earth is happening to me???