Shh... Big Secret

I've come to the conclusion that I have a bit of a secret. I'm still a romantic at heart. *Gasp!* I suppose you could call me a cynical romantic. Despite my world-weary delusions that there is no such thing as true love out there, at least not for me... there persists a deep inner voice that whispers true love is possible... and yours will find you.

Just take a look at my ipod and you'll figure it out. I've got my old standards- Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Lollipop Lust Kill, Rammstein, Type O Negative... you get the drift. Then there's a nice mix of the Cruxshadows (who for a gothic band have managed to mantain a certain amount of romanticism in their body of work) and even some things from (ok, now I'm totally blushing) the Moulin Rouge soundtrack.

Somedays, I really don't understand myself. (Maybe that's the reason for my biweekly psychiatrist visits.) I'm in the process of figuring myself out. And I'm learning that I'm much deeper and more complex than the dark, materialistic cynic I put on for the world to see. I'm really no closer to learning who I am, but I'm at least figuring out who I am not. Bizarre.

Unable To End It

It's been an emotional ride. This month hold special significance because the last grandparent on my mom's side of the family died at the end of March 2007. I'm taking it harder than I thought I would. I really miss him. I don't know if it's the lithium and vodka talking or some sort of unmitigated grief, but I wound up on the beach tonight. I was wailing like a banshee and watching the tide come in. It was such a beautiful moment, being so close to the pulse of creation. I really wanted to run into the waves and merge myself with the ocean. (Yes, I realize what a poor decision this was in retrospect, what with me being a poor swimmer and there being a strong riptide on Pacifica beach.) I ran about halfway from the dry beach to where the tide was rolling in only to have my feet in searing, burning pain on the jagged remnants of shellfish left exposed in the sand. So I promptly ran back to where I left my shoes and cellphone, then decided to call it a night. I'm such a fucking lameass.

Dear Angel,

Where are your warming wings tonight?
It's so cold outside won't you hold me for a while?

And Angel,
I feel alone and unalive
The night is frozen and these tears have stung my eyes

Dreams may pass and dreams may fade
Nothing I love will stay the same
Nothing ever stays the same
-the crusxhadows/the dying song

Confusion Reigns Supreme

I'm so confused. I have been taking steps to move my life forward and create a beautiful, loving positive future. So I'm kind of hung up on a couple of men from my past. I have always held a certain fondness in my heart for these two men because they were the only guys that have ever loved me for "me" and treated me with a loving respect that I have never before experienced. One of these men I had a relationship with, the other was more like a sweet romantic fling.

Anyway, we parted ways some time ago. Recently, both of them have come back into my life. I don't know to what degree these relationships shall be renewed. I don't know how far I want things to go... or if they even have a snowball's chance in hell of going anywhere. I love them both and I never did let go of that. I think I can be friends with them both now, in the present but it's going to be damned hard to sort out all of these conflicting feelings.

Scream of the Butterfly Lyrics

Acid Bath/Scream of the Butterfly

A creature made of sunshine
Her eyes were like the sky
Rabbit howls like something old as we twitch to her lullaby
The scalpel shines in god's sunshine
Street lights whisper pain
Down here near the poison stream our god has gone insane

She smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
With blood on her hands into the sun she stares
She feels it die, I heard her cry (verse x2)

Like the scream of the butterfly

Sunshine a house in flames
She likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
Surgery in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I will resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares cause the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

There's blood on the moon and the summer is cold
There's love in the room but baby that's gettin' old
There's blood on my face sittin' on a dead shore
A highway of emptiness and I'm gettin' bored

There's blood on the moon as we plan our escape
The goddess in bloom, handcuffed and raped
There's blood in the bathtub, baby, murder the king
There's blood on the moon
There's blood on just about everything

Sunshine a house in flames
She likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
Surgery in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I will resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares? 'Cause the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

Something cold is forced inside her
A tear spills down her cheek
Stillborn songs of a dead dreamer
Hymns of the needle freak
With sunlight in her hair she smiles like she don't care
Her dreams are liquid blue
I cut myself again and again to remind myself of you

She smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
With blood on her hands into the sun she stares
She feels it die, I heard her cry (verse x2)

Like the scream of the butterfly (x2)

I met an angel with a sawed-off shotgun
Wanted by the FBI
We dropped some acid, killed our parents
Then we hit the road
Like the scream of the butterfly (x4)