contemplations and random musings

I am sitting in my ill-lit room, trying to find that elusive *something* to do. Anything, anything at all to relieve the soul-numbing sense of ennui that has plagued me of late. Surf the net, listen to the crap that spews from the television box, make multiple purchases on internet sites for things I really don't need. (Well, they *are* things that I want, but that is a topic for an entirely different post.)

Then it hit me; why am I using things to numb my mind? What is it that lies buried inside that I don't want to consciously deal with at the moment. (I've been through a lot, and have been through a lot of therapy but I've still got whole heaps of issues.) I sit and I think but I cannot quite figure out what that particular "something" is.

I think that, on some level, I still feel empty. There is a void that I haven't managed to self-nurture out of existence. I don't think that I know my true self. I have a feeling that (to use an overused phrase) I need to "find myself." I want more than to go through the motions of life. I want more than to simply exist. I want joy, I want to be that woman who exudes a radiant sense of inner acceptance and true fulfillment. Problem is, I don't know how to find her. How do I get from point A to point B?

Someone recently brought up the fact that people often let their fears and anxieties or their current situations prevent them from just getting up and DOING SOMETHING. I've let my weight and medical problems cripple me to the extent that I almost feel defined by them. I reason "Well, I can do "xy and z" after my surgery. "I'll take some continuing education courses when I'm feeling better." Obviously, this approach isn't working for me.

So the questions are- "what do I want?" and "Where do I go from here?" Dunno. But I am going to turn down the distractions so that I can begin to figure it out.