On Love and Maudlin Sentimentality

Last night, I was going through the two small boxes Christmas gifts that my aunts sent me and had a massive revelation. I've been using a strained relationship with my parents and grandfather as an excuse to avoid my family for too long. It isn't something that I did on purpose or with any sort of malice; I just thought it would be easier to avoid conflict with my parents by staying away from all family activities.

Several years later, I sit here with a little more wisdom than I started with. I spent my time seeking love from external sources. I've had a lot of experiences, some good and some bad. Most of those experiences consisted of a string of disastrous relationship choices which left me stronger but a bit more cynical. I've been abused every way a person can be abused- physically, emotionally, verbally, financially. I've been raped twice. Yeah, it sucks. But I can, in part, see how my own actions led me to those places. I'm not taking responsibility for the bad behavior of others. But I am taking responsibility for not learning to love myself enough to see that I made bad choices that put me in unhealthy situations.

I'm away from those old relationships and I am currently spending my time working to focus on self-love (Not THAT kind of self love, you perverts!). Stepping away from everything I knew has given me fresh perspective. It's given me a chance to know myself- and to learn about the true nature of love.

Love isn't the person you stay in a relationship with because you fear being alone. Love isn't staying with someone who abuses you, no matter how you rationalize their problems. Love isn't finding someone who will bang you all night long then hold you as you fall asleep in his arms. (Well, it *could* be love. But that's more of what you see in the sleazy romance novels.)

Love is self acceptance and self respect. Love is the people in your life that accept you even when you make bad decisions. Love is those people who are truly there for you when you hit rock bottom. Love is my awesome roommate who asked me to come out to California- jobless and broken because she knew I would be better able to thrive there. Love are those family members who have always been there in the background waiting for me to come back- and never stopped loving me even though I was stupid enough to run away from open arms in search of what I naively thought was "something better." I regret that it took me this long to see it.