theme songs

i've been playing with my craptacular mini-ipod since yesterday. i have been enjoying listening to my music so far. 2 songs are really sticking with me, especially because of all of the emotional crap i have been processing.

1. marilyn manson- long hard road out of hell

I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this...

2. the cruxshadows- helen

The sounds of yesterday still echo in my head
Distant conflicts unresolved
We were young once, and in love
Nothing was more real...more real to me

Fools for lovers, children are in petty circumstance
Like razors seen more clearly now
Watching from the outside looking down
I feel so helpless

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands
I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left but me

*sadness whispers her condolences
For the greatest tragedy of all is love lost
But the greatest virtue belongs to those who will give everything to love again
It is a test*

I don't think its fair to blame each other
For the happiness we sought but didn't find
Gibron's words i heard in angel's sighs
Too young to understand
But I pause as we grow between the lines
And if the walls of our communion fall to nothingness
How wrong the dreamers would be

But I won't accept it, I won't give up
World be damned, for love is hard
And this time...
This time...
I'm not running away

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands
I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands
I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left but me

*There is always hope, and the strongest and the bravest will always keep it close to them
For if you surrender hope, than love was right to leave you*

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands
I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left

I see angels trapped beneath the ice
And strangers in my bed at night
Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark
Helen, i think you understand
The night is silent in your hands

I've given everything I have
And when its gone
There's nothing left but me

exorcising the past

i've been kind of moody tonight. just pondering on some things that were said @the pdoc's earlier. i think my past is holding me back from living the full, beautiful ever after that i want for myself. yeah, i'm strong. yeah, i've survived a lot of shit. but at what cost? my life has been touched with evil that most people only see on their television screens. i made it through that, but it left a deep, festering abscess that i'm not sure how to treat. i've learned how to stuff everything deep down inside in order to function, in order to survive. i will lie, cheat and steal to survive. whatever it takes. fortunately, i haven't been forced to go to those extreme lengths, but the knowledge alone frightens me. i feel dark, tainted. everything has been downhill since i had to start surviving on my own. there is just so much shit weighing my soul down. i wish i could make it go away. you know, having a dark, mysterious past isn't all it's cracked up to be. damaged. i feel damaged. and i don't know how to fix it. i'm sorry. i know this post makes very little rational sense. i just had to get it out somewhere before i went catatonic. this therapy stuff is hard. the meds make the chemical imbalances go away but then you're left clear-headed to deal with your life.