| i've been kind of moody tonight. just pondering on some things that were said @the pdoc's earlier. i think my past is holding me back from living the full, beautiful ever after that i want for myself.
yeah, i'm strong. yeah, i've survived a lot of shit. but at what cost? my life has been touched with evil that most people only see on their television screens. i made it through that, but it left a deep, festering abscess that i'm not sure how to treat. i've learned how to stuff everything deep down inside in order to function, in order to survive. i will lie, cheat and steal to survive. whatever it takes. fortunately, i haven't been forced to go to those extreme lengths, but the knowledge alone frightens me. i feel dark, tainted. everything has been downhill since i had to start surviving on my own.
there is just so much shit weighing my soul down. i wish i could make it go away. you know, having a dark, mysterious past isn't all it's cracked up to be.
damaged. i feel damaged. and i don't know how to fix it.
i'm sorry. i know this post makes very little rational sense. i just had to get it out somewhere before i went catatonic. this therapy stuff is hard. the meds make the chemical imbalances go away but then you're left clear-headed to deal with your life. |
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