Unable To End It

It's been an emotional ride. This month hold special significance because the last grandparent on my mom's side of the family died at the end of March 2007. I'm taking it harder than I thought I would. I really miss him. I don't know if it's the lithium and vodka talking or some sort of unmitigated grief, but I wound up on the beach tonight. I was wailing like a banshee and watching the tide come in. It was such a beautiful moment, being so close to the pulse of creation. I really wanted to run into the waves and merge myself with the ocean. (Yes, I realize what a poor decision this was in retrospect, what with me being a poor swimmer and there being a strong riptide on Pacifica beach.) I ran about halfway from the dry beach to where the tide was rolling in only to have my feet in searing, burning pain on the jagged remnants of shellfish left exposed in the sand. So I promptly ran back to where I left my shoes and cellphone, then decided to call it a night. I'm such a fucking lameass.

Dear Angel,

Where are your warming wings tonight?
It's so cold outside won't you hold me for a while?

And Angel,
I feel alone and unalive
The night is frozen and these tears have stung my eyes

Dreams may pass and dreams may fade
Nothing I love will stay the same
Nothing ever stays the same
-the crusxhadows/the dying song